44

In some ways I feel like there is no way I am 44 years old and in others I feel like I’ve lived a lot of life in 44 years.  At 17 and again at 23 I found myself in a dark place and not wanting to live.  I got sober at 23 and now more than ever I want to make the most of this life on this side of heaven (a phrase I’ve heard multiple times recently).  Quiet time with God and a short run on my birthday inspired this blogpost.  

I need God now more than ever. In a season where parents and kids are getting older, I realize how much is out of my control. I can’t get attached to outcomes and most certainly need to refrain from being the director of the show. Plot twists occur regularly and resiliency is a must. I have to trust God – with the people I love and how life unfolds. I have to seek wisdom to know what is in my control and what is not, and sometimes no human power can help in those moments. It has to be lifted up.

Self care is a must. A year ago a friend challenged me to rank things that are important to me in the order I think they should be prioritized. I wanted desperately to “pass the test,” but chose honesty instead. I was low on the list. Which is strange to say because I do spend a decent amount of time taking care of myself. But when push comes to shove, I often place others above me and sometimes compromise in a way that doesn’t serve me or others well. I committed to making some changes – ironically that breakfast was on my actual birthday last year. I still have the list and am happy to report it’s more right sized a year later. This past year I have invested more in therapy, recommitted to a spiritual routine in the mornings, hired a nutrition coach, said “no” more, stood up for myself, napped on the weekends and committed to a girls trip this summer. I have to take care of me so that I can show up for the beautiful chaos.

Simple moments are some of the best moments. Fancy gifts, lavish trips, and shiny things have never really been my thing. My love language has leaned toward acts of service and more recently words of affirmation. But more than anything, I love simple moments with my favorite people in sacred spaces. The absolute best part of my 44th birthday celebration was receiving homemade cards from our kids (and a homemade cake) while sitting around our dining room table in the house we’ve made our home – the 6 of us. That’s the good stuff. The best moments.

Progress, not perfection. I am not a finished product. God willing, I am only halfway through writing my story. Some chapters complete and many more to go. This past year I have been confronted with realities there is still more work to be done (recovery speak). One of the most important lessons I think we can teach our children is to remain humble and teachable, and that if we need help – with personal relationships, anxiety, fear, stress, and addiction – it’s ok to ask for help. Go to God, and others who have experience and are willing to walk with you through the growth. And when you fail – because you will – be gentle with yourself and with others (a consistent reminder from my dear friend Cherry). It’s been my experience that the very best place I can be is seeing myself even with others – not less than or better than. That I am unfinished and at times painfully aware of my shortcomings, but I am committed to doing more to grow in His image and be the best version of me I can be. Practice, practice, practice.