Bonus Mom

I vividly remember the months leading up to my divorce. Blurry and gut wrenching with a side of hopelessness and just overall confusion. My world felt like it had been turned upside down and I was living out one of worst fears – a failed marriage.

I remember the conversation about how someday we might meet new people and how we would have to share our kids. That was both of our experiences coming from divorced parents. This was the end of our marriage, but we would always be tethered as coparents. That while we didn’t keep our promise to each other, we made the second best promise and that was to always put our kids first.

One of our agreements was if we started dating and it became serious the other parent would meet them before the kids. And this is how our story went from two parents, to four, and eventually to six. To keep it light, I’ll throw in the detail of Starbucks being the proving ground of meeting future coparents. So how does a meeting like this go? Keep the kids at the center.

When I first met my former’s new partner she shared she had little experience with kids. She also mentioned she loved pets – sometimes more than humans (trying to keep this light still). But she was sweet and she listened to my stories about our kids. The main thing I remember is her asking me what I needed from her and how she should parent the kids. I told her “I need you to help me raise good humans.”

Following a failed marriage, the thought of another woman playing the motherly role when the kids spent time with their dad was wrapped up in sadness and fear. Six years later and I can unequivocally say she has kept the commitment she made to me that day in Starbucks. Do we agree on everything? Nope. Do we handle things the exact same way? Nope. Have there been moments of tension and stress? Yep. But she shows up for our kids over and over again. She created amazing spaces for them in their home, attends their events, cooks their favorite meals, communicates with me, teaches them about her culture and shares different perspectives. Our kids are blessed to have to her in their lives and they are more well rounded humans because of her love.

I also have the privilege of being a bonus mom, and I am grateful for the second coparenting team I get to raise good humans with. Building trust and learning your role as a bonus parent takes time. Humility, grace, resiliency, and a sense of humor are all necessary.

Often times people don’t understand how it all works. Four kids, six parents, and three homes. I don’t wish divorce on anyone, but if that is part of your story I’m here to remind you that sometimes what you didn’t plan for turns out even better. The unexpected plot twist is sweeter.

With God, all things are possible. Matthew 19:26